06.01.21 - bro im moving out hahaha, my mom is calling me abusive for having meltdowns and yelling at her and calling me manipulative for recording her gaslighting me. i'm done with her shit and she's done with mine :/ anyways yeah
05.01.21 - i might be moving out soon, i dont like my mom at all. i know it might sound like i'm just an angsty teen but i've really thought this out. there are some issues with my mom that are rooted in her deep insecurity caused by her childhood trauma and family. some of the ways that insecurity manifests is through just bothersome things, but other ways it manifests is in verbal abuse and manipulation. i can put up with the bothersome things and talk to her about them, but i'm realizing that i shouldn't put up with her more manipulative tendencies. i've tried to talk to her about them and she refuses to listen or fully acknowledge when she is wrong or making mistakes, due to her insecurity. i'm done putting up with that. recently i've been making major strides in addressing and helping my mental heatlh. i was hospitalized and put in inpatient back in late september cause i was going to kill myself. i'm doing a lot better now and i really see a bright future for myself. i've been making changes in my life to better get myself back on track, but one of the major roadblocks is my mom. my plan was to finish high school and then move out to california, but i'm losing patience with my mom and want a different living situation. maybe not california right now, cause i don't know if i'm perpared yet, but someone close by like chicago or just at a friend's house in town. if anyone has any advice please hmu, my contacts are on my about page @ the bottom < 3
01.01.21 - new year i guess? cool i guess. idk i hate how people are thinking that "2020 is over". i mean yeah the year is over, but the problems that have been emphasised are not going away dumbasses. 2021 is most likely going to suck considering covid, the current political climate, and other existing issues. time is a construct. im not even trying to sound "deep" or anything im just upset that people are celebrating the end of a year as if it's the end of their problems :/
29.12.20 - ok first part of this writing is gonna be a general update and then i will give a review of Whole Lotta Red omggggg ok ! honestly not much has happened since last update, i am just at home working on my music, trying to search for a new sound. it's been a long time since i have had a challenge when making music, probably because i am used to just copying other sounds. now i am making my own sounds up so that is fun but also very frustrating ugh. i cleaned my room yesterday! OH ALSO i got so many new clothes. i might make a "closet" page on this website, just to show off my wardrobe. it looks awful boring but it's very comfortable and i like it a lot! i might write a letter to phil elverum, who is an inspiration to me. i've been meaning to ask him for the isolated vocals of this one song of his but i also want to share with him how much he has affected my life and musical process and experiences. he is super cool. that is pretty much all for now, oh also thanks for like 6 followers already on this page?? that is cool so thank you very much :) WHOLE LOTTA RED REVIEW this album is one of the most polarizing rap/trap releases i have heard in recent memory. i feel as though it's pretty self evident, as a lot of carti's fans (and rap listeners too) have disliked the album. there has been such a negative outcry that Carti is going to make a deluxe version of the album consisting entirely of songs that the fans actually want. i'll admit on my first listen i didn't hate the album, but i was a bit dissapointed. however, instead of being super mad i listed to the album again and again. i think i have listened to the album about 7 times by now and while it isn't the best album of the year, it's pretty good. my only major complaints come from how short some of the hardest songs are and the lack of organization on the project. while i'm not complaining about how many songs there are on the project, there were definetly some songs that Carti could have left off the album and i wouldn't mind. especially towards the last half of the album. what has really divided listeners on this album is carti's new, high energy, inflection filled, in-your-face, and raw vocals. this was my reason for dissapointment on first listen as well. it's not that i didn't appreciate what carti was attempting to do, it just didn't sit with me that well. but, as i listened and listened and listened, i grew super fond of them and now i don't even mind them that much. if anything, i really enjoy some of the craziest songs on this album, such as "Stop Breathing", "Punk Monk" and "New Tank" (god i wish new tank was longer, it's only a minute and a half) overall, the aspects of this album that i dislike aren't the reasons many dislike it. carti's performances on this album are some of the most interesting i've heard out of the rap/trap genre in a very long time. 8/10
22.12.20 - playboi carti officially announced his album and i am so so so so excited i've been waiting for so long, but the wait was very worth it. all the snippets are super good i am so excited :))) aaaaaaaaa i am making a lot of music nowadays, i'm going to start putting it up soon. i also might make a page for playboi carti leaks that i really enjoy, idk if other people would enjoy that too.
12.12.20 - i hung out with some other people that make music yesterday and it started out really boring and i hated it cause we went skating and i usually don't mind skating but it was a nice day out so there were a lot of people at the skate park. i don't like people watching or feeling judged it makes me want to cry a lot. as the day turned into night, though, i started to have these really good conversations with the two main guys i came to see and make music with. the first conversation i had was about mainly politics and was a continuation of a conversation that we had had at the skatepark. we talked about how the if leftists want to succeed, they need to become the bigger person. cancel culture is an example of this, where instead of trying to help others out of a hateful and often unknowingly racist/sexist/etc. place, we cancel them without education and label them as awful people. this is counterproductive because instead of reaching out and trying to help and educate people, we dont get rid of the hate, rather we let it build and fester which does absolutely nothing to help society. the only way to get rid of hate is to educate, and if after education someone chooses to be willfully ignorant, then i feel it is fair to 'cancel' them or whatever. the second conversation i had was with another guy and we talked about 2 main things. the contrast of growing up with/without social media in relation to making music , and buddhist practices and meditation. i have grown up posting on social media consistantly since i was 12 years old, so putting my songs online feels no different than putting up a post on instagram or twitter. you make the post with followers in mind in order to attain more likes and boost the seratonin in your brain. when you treat music in a similar fashion , you end up making a record label of yourself - you only put out what you think will get you the most attention and likes. i started putting out music not with myself in mind, but with what other people would like in mind. and that's why it did well and my "lucas lex" project took off. my entire discography has become almost just like an embodiment of social media.it looks cool but the inauthenticity is just seething throughout without anyone's knowledge. i'm getting bored of talking and i'm probably boring whoever is reading this so i'll talk about the buddhist shit latr. :)
6.12.20 - working on music, just got a new macbook which is not cool cause it's a macbook but also now i can produce on logic pro and not have my computer crash every 10 seconds :) we got an xmas tree today but i don't even like xmas anymore. i think it was ruined by consumerism and it's awful. grinch type beat i suppose lol